Let me go...

Am I ungrateful for all my blessings? Is that what this is all about? Why cant I be all I can be and still be loved. I have long asked myself this question and it remains a rhetoric. I don’t think this is about belonging or freedom I think this is sheer apathy towards the need for acceptance. 30 years of my life have gone by and so many of my dreams lay buried and some even undreamt. It's no one's fault, I just didn't have the resilience to be me, I allowed myself to go adrift. I am the only one who is responsible for the me that I have turned into, the me that I have buried. Today more than ever I know I don’t want to be here. I want to go away to discover myself, live life without the things that bind me and make me believe that I am any lesser than the inner, radiant, real me that I am. I have to go, I have to start walking towards my next destination… I don’t know how I don’t know where I don’t know when but I do know why.

Among all the relationships that I have had the one that has stood the test of time and mistakes is the relationship I have with myself, I cannot let that relationship bite dust. I want to go away to understand what I am capable of, I want to go away to regain the confidence I had in myself in others and in life itself. No one will understand my 'why', in fact I'm beginning to believe that no one has to. I am beginning to rot and decay, I have to sharpen the axe, I have to start laughing out loud, I have to write till I stop caring who's reading, I have to start dancing in the rain and stop feeling guilty when I do these things. I need a space within and around me so I can shake off the cobwebs that are beginning to foul my personality. I need to read and read for the sake of reading. I have to opine and I have to revive the child that lies forgotten and abandoned. You are right child - I don’t want to be the person who remains just that "someone who makes awesome capsicum bajji…" I want to travel. I want to touch other lives more than by simply being someone who doesn’t know to keep the spoons in their right place. I am tired of living the yardsticks of someone else's life. I want to say "to hell with the world!" and be okay with it, and not have to choose my need to be me over someone else's need to have that ideal teacher, writer, woman, wife, daughter, worker, friend. Let me go! Let me be!