Am I
ungrateful for all my blessings? Is that what this is all about? Why cant I be
all I can be and still be loved. I have long asked myself this question and it
remains a rhetoric. I don’t think this is about belonging or freedom I think
this is sheer apathy towards the need for acceptance. 30 years of my life have
gone by and so many of my dreams lay buried and some even undreamt. It's no
one's fault, I just didn't have the resilience to be me, I allowed myself to go
adrift. I am the only one who is responsible for the me that I have turned
into, the me that I have buried. Today more than ever I know I don’t want to be
here. I want to go away to discover myself, live life without the things that
bind me and make me believe that I am any lesser than the inner, radiant, real
me that I am. I have to go, I have to start walking towards my next
destination… I don’t know how I don’t know where I don’t know when but I do
know why.
Among
all the relationships that I have had the one that has stood the test of time
and mistakes is the relationship I have with myself, I cannot let that
relationship bite dust. I want to go away to understand what I am capable of, I
want to go away to regain the confidence I had in myself in others and in life
itself. No one will understand my 'why', in fact I'm beginning to believe that
no one has to. I am beginning to rot and decay, I have to sharpen the axe, I
have to start laughing out loud, I have to write till I stop caring who's
reading, I have to start dancing in the rain and stop feeling guilty when I do
these things. I need a space within and around me so I can shake off the
cobwebs that are beginning to foul my personality. I need to read and read for
the sake of reading. I have to opine and I have to revive the child that lies
forgotten and abandoned. You are right child - I don’t want to be the person
who remains just that "someone who makes awesome capsicum bajji…" I
want to travel. I want to touch other lives more than by simply being someone
who doesn’t know to keep the spoons in their right place. I am tired of living
the yardsticks of someone else's life. I want to say "to hell with the
world!" and be okay with it, and not have to choose my need to be me over
someone else's need to have that ideal teacher, writer, woman, wife, daughter,
worker, friend. Let me go! Let me be!
